- You have unresolved trauma around relationships, probably from your family of origin, when you may have been abused or neglected (neglect IS abuse) or love was conditional and scarce.
- It was what was modelled to you in your formative years, perhaps you witnessed domestic violence (this too is abuse to a child), therefore a template for relating has been formed in your sub-conscious that you are inadvertently living out of (out of your awareness).
- You are attracted to “bad boys”, or “ex bad boys”, believing that you can fix them because you understand them like on-one else has before. Your love is more powerful and will change them. You are a Rescuer – you have a compulsion to do so. You need to be needed.
- You are addicted to drama, the thrill and roller-coaster-ride of heightened emotions and passionate make-ups and break-ups. Healthy relationships feel boring to you.
- You don’t give yourself the time, space and opportunity to learn what your part is in it therefore repeating the patterns.
- You may go directly from 1 relationship to the next, finding being alone unbearable. You haven’t dealt with your abandonment issues.
- Deep down you don’t believe you are worthy of better. Somewhere along the way you came to the false conclusion that you don’t deserve to be loved or are unlovable.
- Your relationships may start out fine but end up the same. You are trying to, on an unconscious level, heal your past by recreating it, choosing similar partners to your childhood significant others.
- You haven’t done your healing work because in your eyes, it’s all his/her fault. You are not taking your share of responsibility.
- Alternatively, you take too much responsibility, perhaps having been brain washed into taking blame and trying harder to please in order to keep the relationship to avoid feeling abandoned.
- You believe he’ll change. We all want to believe he/she’ll change. The hearts and flowers after the abuse is confusing and keeps you living in false hope.
If you identify with any of the above, I’d love to hear from you and am here to help. I’ve been there and am on the other side. There is hope.
Please, if you are experiencing, or suspect that you are in an abusive or toxic relationship, call a local helpline or free, confidential counselling service.
In New Zealand call or text 1737 or 0508 733 633
© Karen Lighthouse 2022
Thanks for reading and take care until next time.
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Words by Karen Lighthouse.
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