(A Warrant-of-Fitness is the New Zealand equivalent of an M.O.T. in the UK, being a certificate to say your vehicle is road worthy.)

Do you ever find yourself saying “yes” to something or someone when you really want to say,” no”? Do you have a niggling feeling in your stomach, or maybe it’s even a loud roar inside but you turn down the volume or intensity of it by justifying the “yes” and minimizing the “no”?

Then your insides and outsides don’t match. You are divided against yourself. This is incongruence.

It dilutes your effectiveness and dishonours part of yourself. It can lead to depression, addiction and other avoidance strategies as a way of coping with the uneasiness or avoiding conflict which is perceived as a threat, whether it is real or not.

When your insides and outsides match you can wholeheartedly be present to the situation, you can give yourself fully to what or who is needing your attention. You can live in harmony with your truest self, your essence, your highest self.

When we are not true to ourselves, we cannot be truly happy or lead fulfilling lives. There will always be something missing, some nagging sense of not being truly authentic (in my opinion).

Saying “yes” when we really want to or need to say” no” is very draining and leads to resentment…. a nasty emotional poison that wreaks havoc in relationships.

We can have unexpressed expectations of others because of it too, e.g., sub-consciously believing that the person we said “yes” to now owes us something, after all we didn’t really even want to do it.

Learning how to be congruent, how to match our insides and our outsides, can be quite a gruelling process, and I say process because simply making a decision not to do it again rarely works.

Learning how to say “no” and mean it and STICKING to it under pressure (and you will get pressure from people who are used to you saying “yes”) takes courage and we need support to make the necessary changes.

At the end of the day, we are pain avoidant, pleasure seeking animals, and change is uncomfortable, even if it’s for our own good.

We can learn how to manage our uncomfortable feelings by:

1. Acknowledging them – noticing their presence
2. Giving yourself permission to have them without judgement – all feelings are neutral- neither good nor bad – it’s just what you do with them that makes the difference
3. Listening to what they are saying – feelings are information and energy
4. Work through the feelings by talking with a therapist, journalling or other means – get support to unpack your inability to say “no”

So often, saying “yes” when we want or need to say “no” we are, in reality, saying “yes” to the other person and “no” to ourselves. Of course, doing this OCCASIONALLY is OK. But when it is a regular way of operating in relationships the cost is too high…. our mental and emotional health, and we now know that our mental and emotional well-being impacts our physical health too.

This is not a dress rehearsal. This is your life. You are worth the effort it takes to make the changes for your own well-being.

I’d love to hear your thoughts.

© Karen Lighthouse 2022

Namaste.

Thanks for reading and take care until next time.

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Words by Karen Lighthouse.

I also offer –

• One-on-one counselling/coaching via Zoom
• Group facilitation
• Mental health education
• Oracle card readings

Email me at: karenlighthouse59@gmail.com