Grief is a unquantifiable thing, no one size fits all, a unique process, often leading to a place we never envisaged ourselves being in.

There is no road-map, no diagnosed duration, no sure method of alleviating the deep pain.

You can be supported by listening, kind ears but no-one can unburden you.

Grief is a process of coming to terms with a new normal. For me, I often engage in grief kicking and screaming and then plunge into deep despair.

Initially, I entitled this poem, “Gratitude is the Antidote for Grief”. On reflection I realised this may come across as dismissive, flippant, as if to offer a quick fix.  I am not “silver-lining you”, as my daughter would say. That would be cruel, insensitive and inaccurate. Rather I am suggesting that gratitude may be a way of moving forward when it seems never ending. Often we think our feelings ‘should’ be one thing or the other, when actually they can be both.

Grief is something I am very familiar with, from childhood trauma and unmet needs (YES! You can grieve for things you never had), to broken relationships and a whole bunch of other stuff in-between. There is no measure of lesser or greater grief (in my opinion), although bereavement is usually considered top of the list and what people think of when talking about grief. Grief can be anything from job loss, illness, death of a pet and more. Even loss of the familiar is a kind of grief.

One day when I was feeling overwhelmed with sadness and doubting the validity of my feelings, I decided to write a list of some of the griefs I have had and still do experience. I felt stuck ruminating over things I could do nothing about (mostly). Quite ‘accidentally’ I wrote antidotes or different messages I could give myself to raise my vibration from the spiral of despair I was creating for myself by focusing on these losses.

Please note: I am by NO means saying “don’t feel your feelings”, I am a firm believer in the necessity to do so. It has been said, “You can’t heal what you can’t feel”, and this has been my experience in my own life and that of counselling clients for many years. What I am sharing is not an alternative to grieving and feeling your feelings but rather a realisation that I could think differently to get myself out of a downward spiral of futility. As someone who is prone to depression, it helped me remember the good things I have in my life.

My grief list will be different to yours and is in no particular order of significance or size, just a flow of thoughts and feelings as they emerged. Perhaps you will recognise your own griefs in the list. Perhaps there will be some things that your body resonates with as you read, that you may never have considered valid reasons for feeling sad or grieving. Recognise the presence of your feelings in the body. Give them permission to be present, validate them, sit with them. This is part of your human experience. Give yourself permission to live it fully, which includes feeling your feelings, accepting them and being gentle with yourself around them.

As they say in 12 Step-Programmes, “Take what you like and leave the rest”.

Grief at the loss of youth – Grateful for having lived 65 years and more to come                                                                                                    

Grief at the loves I’ve lost – Grateful for the loves I have now

Grief at being alone – Grateful for the freedom of singledom

Grief for reduced capacity – Grateful for the ability I have

Grief for travel I’ll not get to do – Grateful for the places I’ve seen, more than some people

Grief that I’m not as rich as some – Grateful that I am richer than many

Grief that I feel sad – Grateful I can make room for and feel my emotions

Grief for lost opportunities – Grateful for many rich experiences I’ve had

Grief for the loss of paid income and the perceived mana, or status that goes with it – Grateful for the pension and the opportunity to recalibrate                           

Grief for the pain of my family – Grateful that I have a family

Grief for the atrocities humans inflict on each other – Grateful that there are many people in the world who spread joy and peace on the planet.

 

(c) Karen Lighthouse 2025

Namaste.

Thanks for reading and take care until next time.

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Words by Karen Lighthouse.

I also offer –

• One-on-one counselling/coaching via Zoom
• Group facilitation
• Mental health education
• Oracle card readings

Email me at: karenlighthouse59@gmail.com